“I get older, they stay the same age.”
I recently heard a Justin Bieber song. He was asking a girl to love him. I’m not gonna lie. I like the song. I think it’s kinda hot, actually. No, I don’t want to be the one to love Justin Bieber, but maybe we could just hold hands?
I swim at 5AM three times a week at my old high school. I do drills for two hours. There’s no music in the water, so I usually have the last song I heard in the car stuck in my head for most of practice. This morning it was Taio Cruz’ Dynamite. I never liked that song until it was made famous by Back Shaft Productions (the Naval Academy’s fictional production studio) for a Spirit Spot against Air Force.* Do you have any idea what it’s like to sing one verse to yourself for two hours, especially when the words are all wrong? As it turns out, there is no mention of Galileo in that song at all. When I’m not singing to myself I try to keep track of my laps and repetitions. In my head it goes something like 25-25-25... FLIP, 50-50-50… FLIP… It’s not a very entertaining sport.
Swimming at my Alma Mater is not all bad, though. For starters, I have killer arms, shoulder and back muscles now. Really, not too shabby at all if I do say so myself... But most of all, there’s Ben, one of my three swim coaches. Ben is an All American. Some call it stalking, but I call it a bit of “investigative reporting.” Ben lettered in varsity sports nine times at the University of Michigan. Swimming and baseball. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be a varsity athlete in college, let alone to be one in two different sports?
On the weeks when Ben is not coaching, he often joins us for a swim. When he walks into the pool I can’t help but stop and stare. It’s like he walks in slow motion and I hear “Oh Yeah” from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.** He sets his things down, then takes his clothes off and I swear the water gets a little warmer. I was a pretty girl in high school. Never had issues with weight, acne, braces, oily hair or glasses. But when I stare at him, with his perfectly chiseled 6”3, 190 pound frame (“investigative reporting!”), I feel like I have all of those issues at once; giggling coyly when he smiles at me while his tooth sparkles like an Orbitz commercial. I want to wrap him up and take him home to cook for me and perform… other household duties.
So, why am I not planning my wedding at the Plaza this June (which I have on reserve every year, for the next ten years - I mean, a girl can never be too prepared.)? Well, Ben is a child. Or close enough. He graduated from college in 2008. Ben is 24. Despite the half your age plus seven rule, I still feel like a naughty old cougar when I think of him. I’m just three cats, a girdle and a pair of Lycra cheetah patterned pants away from sealing the deal.
I am embarrassed and also a little hesitant to admit that I found myself “observing” one of the male high school swimmers. I didn’t realize he was a student until he started swimming with the rest of the high school team. He was swimming in the lane closest to the adults and he had a five o’clock shadow! How was I supposed to know that he was a child? These people should come stamped with gigantic tattoos. “I AM A MINOR,” and it should be printed all over their bodies! What is wrong with me?!
I have no interest in dating younger men, and not just because it would land me on a list that keeps me 100 yards away from schools and Ice Cream trucks. I am actually attracted to older men. Looks have little bearing on my choice for a partner. I care more about someone’s ability to make me laugh, challenge me, grow with me and ultimately provide for a family than I do about the size of his biceps or a pretty face. But men are different. They don’t think like normal people. They are visual beings and I kind of feel sorry for them. If I have these feelings for Ben and an occasional 18 year old (I’m letting myself believe that this student was actually an adult so I don’t have to gauge my eyes out!), men must truly suffer. I think I’m prettier now than I was in high school. But there is a certain air about a young woman that is both stunning and fleeting. Unfortunately for our society, this trait does not always wait for an 18th birthday.
Believe me, I do not troll my old high school for dates. But honestly, just because I don’t want to be in a relationship with Ben doesn’t mean that we can’t… hold hands. Just kidding. ;)
*Back Shaft Productions Spirit Spot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_0cuVeaecQ
*Oh Yeah:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG_6CopW9GQ
