It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt
I am my own worst critic. I don’t believe in A’s for effort. That’s not how the real world works. Elementary schools should get rid of this.
I didn’t finish my race today and I am angry, disappointed and humiliated.
My very first triathlon was six months ago. Perhaps Ironman level may have been a bit over-zealous. Yes, I know that most people will never try an Ironman. And yes, I know that I raced in horrible conditions that made even the Ironman veterans and pros struggle. But I am still angry, disappointed and humiliated.
I swam 1.2 miles in a freezing ocean with strong currents and an undertow. I didn’t swim 50 meters before I thought about quitting. I finished with 22 minutes to spare. I thought the worst was over.
I biked 28 miles up a continuous hill that was steeper than anything I had ever trained on. Racing against gusting winds and freezing cold rain, I turned around and fought my way back down the hill, with sharp turns at speeds I can only imagine (my bike computer broke before my race). There was a 4:05 bike cut off. I finished in 4:20. Not even close.
I biked as hard as I could, as fast as I could and didn’t leave anything behind. It was the absolute best I could do. But today, my best wasn’t good enough.
When I made it back to Transition, I was not allowed to participate in the run. This was the most disappointing part. Despite not being able to reach the time limits, I still wanted the opportunity to finish the race.
I am an athlete and by nature very competitive. I had no intention of traveling across the world to “give it my best shot.” I came here for a medal. The fact that I didn’t get one makes me angry. Disappointed. Humiliated.
Of all six seasons of Sex and the City, my favorite episode was the one where Carrie Bradshaw was asked to model in a fashion show. The series’ heroine was the queen of high heels. But in this episode she slipped on the runway and landed on her face. It was humiliating to watch. Heidi Klum stepped over her lifeless body. She was fashion road kill.
Carrie had two choices: slink away back stage and cry, or pick herself up and strut down the runway. Well, it’s Hollywood, so I’ll let you guess the ending. But in reality, this is what heroines do. They pick themselves up. And if nothing else, I am the heroine of my own life.
I started triathlons to be a skinny bitch and to stay in shape. Well, I am a skinny bitch. And despite not being able to complete this race, I am in the best shape of my life. But beyond the physical benefits, since I started competing in triathlons, I really have become a better person. I push myself beyond my limits and for that I am incredibly proud.
The critic in me is angry that I didn’t finish today; disappointed with my failure; and humiliated that everyone knows. But more than all of the negative feelings I have about the race, I am thankful that I didn’t drown in the Indian Ocean. I am beyond ecstatic that while speeding down 28 miles of steep hills with sharp turns, wearing nothing but a sports bra and the daisy-est of Daisy Dukes, that I, the clumsiest of silly girls, did not fall and break a bone or rip off my skin. I am grateful for the experience of racing with the best athletes in the world and the opportunity to do so on a different continent than my own.
I am determined to pick myself up. I am driven to do better. And I am in training. Ironman 70.3 South Africa 2012, I will see you next year. I am back in the arena.
