Red Beans and Rice Didn't Miss Her...

I’ve been writing this entry in my head for months. The general tone of my blog has been pretty raw – I rarely hold back, which just about sums up my personality. But with this topic, I will proceed with a certain amount of… trepidation. Don’t judge me.

I have dated two types of men in this world: Chaz Michael Michaels and Tyrone. Chaz Michael Michaels is white. He played lacrosse in college (insert random white sport: tennis, swimming, polo…). He summers in Cape Cod and plays beer pong with his dudes for fun. He listens to Smash Mouth or Radio Head or whatever mainstream band gets played on the local alternative station. Chaz Michael Michaels likes skinny white girls. Beautiful skinny white girls with bodies like a 12 year-old boy. Chaz Michael Michaels thinks Kiera Knightly is perfection.

And then there’s Tyrone. (Call him!) Tyrone is black. He played football in college (or basketball, track, etc.). He pledged to whichever fraternity was popular on his campus. He listens to Jay Z or Gucci Mane or whatever censored artist is playing on the rap stations. Tyrone summered ‘round the block growing up, but now he kicks it with his homies in Chicago (insert major metropolitan city). Most of all, Tyrone loves black women. Full, thick, curvy beautiful black women. Beyonce Knowles has this in Spades.

So, where does that leave me? I am clearly not white, but as a Latina I am technically not “black,” or African American either. Yet, I've been attracted to and wanted by both these stereotypes.

I try to plant myself firmly in the center of Knowles/Knightly arena, not wanting to limit my options, but mostly because I am unsatisfied if everyone doesn’t adore me. But I am one hot dog away from losing Chaz Michael Michaels interest (at least the ones who aren’t stuck on the “white” part of “skinny white girls”). The conundrum is that I’m also about three cardio sessions and a stick of celery away from getting glossed over by Tyrone.

I work for a multi-cultural advertising firm in Detroit. For the first time in my life I am in an environment with more black people than white. In fact, my entire team happens to be black, except (as they often point out) for me. My co-workers are my friends. We hang out. We crack jokes. We talk. We discuss… things. For instance, we recently had a discussion on the sexiest feature of the opposite sex. Invariably, for black men, it is the gluteus maximus. Listening to the way they describe it is humorous of course, but also a little unexpected. To er, summarize, they (and clearly my colleagues are speaking for all black men everywhere), like to be able to, um, slap a girl’s “buttocks” and see it ripple. They don’t care if it has cellulite. I reminded them that cellulite is of course the little dimples that resemble cottage cheese randomly dispersed on one’s backside, thigh, and hamstring region (you know, the reason I spend hours at the gym!). They remained undeterred. Bottom line, for Tyrone, no ass is a deal breaker.

I have had a lifetime of experiences with Chaz Michael Michaels. I grew up with Chaz. I went to college and grad school with Chaz. I have had long-term relationships with Chaz. Chaz Michael Michaels wants to bounce a quarter on a girl’s buttocks and see it bounce right on back up (no ripple, please). Skinny. Firm. Tight. This is Chaz Michael Michaels Holy Grail, his reason for living. In fact, no ass at all is just fine. Bottom line, for Chaz Michael Michaels, too much ass is a deal breaker.

It seems so simple, doesn’t it? I can run away with the likes of Idris Elba, eat what I want (within reason) and be appreciated and desired for having a shapely body. But damn it if there’s not something about Bradley Cooper!

I joke about this, but subconsciously, part of what draws my hand to reach for Smart Water over Aquafina (which is cheaper) is my desire to look like Jenniffer Anniston. Not in terms of being a white girl, but in terms of being SKINNY. My job is advertising and there is a reason I get paid… it works! I don’t think I would be as likely to reach for that water bottle if, say, Jennifer Hudson was the spokesman (but I did buy her album!). Even if we talk about mainstream America’s ideal of beautiful women of color, Zoe Saldana and Thandie Newton would be on the forefront of that list. Both these girls need a few Twinkies and a thick creamy milkshake. They’re certainly capable of attracting a Bradley Cooper, but Jay Z would rather date Rosie O’Donnell than grab onto their bony frame.

I strive to be skinny because that’s what I know. If you’ve read any of my blog, you know that I am very happy with the way that I look. After all, I am a triathlete. But dang if I wasn’t 10 pounds lighter, I would be settin’ it off! And summering in Cape Cod with… Chaz Michael Michaels. The problem, of course, is that Tyrone would be more interested in Lafonda than Lonelli. So it seems, and maybe for the rest of my life, I will teeter between a hot dog and three cardio sessions and a celery stick.