The Holy Grail of Bicycles

You know the saying, “There’s a sucker born every day?” Well, that saying was conceived December 26, 1988, the day of my birth. (I know many of you are surprised that I’ve accomplished so much in my 21 short years of life. The term child prodigy comes to mind.) I digress. That saying was formed with me in mind. I won’t share with you the cost of my brand new Cannondale CAAD 9 Féminine 5 Road Racer, in its shiny silver aluminum gloriousness. But the only comparison to it would be the Holy Grail of Christmas Presents. An Official Red Ryder Two Hundred Shot Range Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. Just brilliant. Caady, as she’s called, is complete with Shimano 105 gears, Shimano RS10 rims, hubs and spokes. It’s true that I have no idea what that means or how it will affect my ride, but it is nice. The salesman told me so himself. My bike is specifically designed to account for my freakishly small hands, weighs less than Kate Moss’ lunch and mounted on it is this thing that tells RPM. Clearly, this bike is going to make me go so fast I almost don’t need to practice. It races itself. So I can ride like the wind blows.

Sadly, I’ve been told that when I show up to Chicago on game day, I’m going to get laughed at. These clowns are serious. A cheap bike to them is 5 Large. That’s $5,000 for my pigmently challenged friends. Now people, I may be a sucker, but mama didn’t raise no fool. Besides, if I had 5 G’s to spend (that’s still $5,000… try to keep up), I would definitely be getting a pair of heels out of that exchange. And not from Macy's. But from a little store on 5th Avenue called Saks. Eighth floor, please.

I have to tell you that I’m a little nervous about competing against people who have previously done marathons, Olympic Triathlons and Iron Mans. My claim to fame is 8 years of the PRT and the O-Course, Naval Station ANNAPOLIS. Oh yeah. It’s as scary as the name implies. I’m actually a pretty competitive person in general. If I get on the treadmill next to you, I’m gonna go faster and longer just because. If that’s not possible, I’ll figure out a way to unplug you mid-stride and watch you fall off the back and feign concern as you limp away. If you’re on a diet and losing weight, I’ll munch on celery sticks alone for a week. Or add a high protein weight gaining supplement to your Slim Fast. But what to do when I have no possible chance of finishing within a half hour of these characters? If I get caught trying to dunk the swimmers, throwing sticks at the bikers, or tripping the runners I will likely be disqualified. I could wear a "Top Ten Reasons Why You’re Faster Than Me but I’m STILL Better Than You" T-Shirt. But that can’t be very cute and I’d likely miss my endorsement opportunity with Nike. Sure, sure. There’s that whole “Compete with yourself and do your personal best,” mindset. But this is my first one, so clearly that does not apply to me. I guess I’m open to suggestions…

Meanwhile, I’ll let you know how Caady performs. I’m big time now.